What I'd Give to be "Normal"

Some of you are aware that we have been undergoing a 3rd IVF cycle over the past several weeks.  We've been a tad "quieter" about it, as we wanted to see how we would handle things...  Our cycle started on January 6 and ended today.  It was totally different, and required 7 weeks of drugs (not including months on birth control pills, high dose Folic acid, aspirin, and prescription prenatal vitamins).

On January 6, we signed the usual 20+ forms and legal paperwork.  Our medications were shipped ($2400 worth, which was actually cheaper than we had planned for thanks to some help with insurance) and arrived on January 13.  The injection protocol began on January 16 and ended on February 28.  It included 3-4 shots per day.  To say that the cycle was aggressive was an understatement. 

In total, this one round included 103 injections/blood draws, 4 ultrasounds, 1 procedure under anesthetic, and 1 embryo transfer.  My abdomen and hips resemble a war zone and will take a few weeks to return to a normal color.  I believe we made 8 trips to Nashville as well, though it feels like so many more!

On February 19, we transferred 3 perfect Grade A embryos.  It was my sister's 32nd birthday and the due date (if we had twins) would have been October 17.  This happens to be Adam's upcoming 40th and my Mom's upcoming 60th.  Seemed like great signs!  We thought that with the new year, a new protocol, a great lining, great labs, beautiful embryos, and perfect dates...we were certain to succeed!

While we've pretty much known since Tuesday, today was the official beta HCG test.  Sadly, the result was 0...literally.  It's heart-breaking for sure.  To add icing to the cake, we've seen 2 pregnancy announcements, 2 birth announcements, tons of photos of other peoples' babies, and countless comments and complaints from/about pregnant women...all since Tuesday.  I am even the only "failure" on my entire infertility forum this cycle...talk about being at the bottom!

I know nothing in life is guarenteed, even when everything is practically perfect.  This cycle is certainly proof of this!  We did manage to freeze 9 embryos this round, though feel that 3 of them may not be as healthy as we would like.  Despite being heart-broken, I suspect we'll try again in June and hope for the best. 

It's amazing how unfair life is.  We paid over $75k in taxes this year to support unemployed women having as many babies as they want.  We provide them free everything (carseats, formula, coupons, healthcare, food stamps,etc).  Sadly, Adam and I get to support these women AND have had the additional "privilege" of spending thousands of dollars just to try have a baby!  

For those who get pregnant without all of this, be VERY thankful.  You can't start to imagine how miserable this process is for couples like Adam and I.  There are no "easy" fixes or answers, and we are a serious challenge for any infertility clinic. 
The whole process just seems so unfair...I guess life is.

Our Muddy Adventure to Machine Falls

Today was a beautiful day!  The sky was clear and the temperature was expected to stay in the high 40s to low 50s.  Since we don't get many winter days this nice (especially when I'm not on call), we decided to find ourselves a local hike.  After some web-searching last night, I found an area about 30 miles from our home called the Short Springs Natural Area.  This area has several trails, one "big" waterfall, and another good-sized cascade.  After a light lunch at Sonic, we hit the trail at around 1.  We decided to hike to Machine Falls, which was a "moderate to strenuous" 1.5 mile hike...plus about a tenth more to actually get to the falls.

We set out on the trail, which began as a very easy wooded trail.  Once we got within earshot of the falls, this quickly changed!  The trail descended VERY steeply down to the creek....like some steps "down" were over 2 feet!  Once we got the the creek, here's what we found... (Basically the trail ended...but the sign said the falls were 100 yards to the right.  It just didn't say how you were supposed to get to them!)

Here's Adam at the trail's end!  We decided to try to take the hillside, since the water was about 8" deep and we didn't want to hike with cold, wet feet.  So, here's what we faced...

Yes...it was super steep...and slick under the leaves as well!  When we rounded this hillside (winded, muddy, and thankful for our safety), here's what we saw...

  The falls were really spectacular!  They are 60 feet tall and 60 feet wide...and full of water!  The photos just don't do justice to the sounds and beauty of the falls.  The water was dripping off of these green mossy rocks, creating an almost fairy-tale like image.  We took several photos, and then I wandered down the hill to the base of the falls (or technically about 4 feet up, as I didn't get into the water at the base).

Wandering down the hill really wasn't my brightest idea ever...though I was hoping to walk back to the main trail along the opposite side of the creek (to avoid climbing that steep slippery hill again).  I went down, using both my feet as well as my butt.  (Yes, it WAS that steep!)  Sadly, I made it to the lowest rock and discovered that I had about a 4 foot drop to the creek bed.  Unfortunately, the rock below was covered in moss and algae and I KNEW it was slick.  There was no good place to get footing (and I wasn't feeling like injuring myself on asprin therapy), so I was forced to climb back up.  Before heading up, I took these...

This next one is sideways (stupid Blogger won't orient it properly), but it shows just how steep the hill was.  see Adam at the top???

I then climbed back up to where Adam was (this was challenging and resulted in a bruised right knee) and we finished the trail.  Overall, it was a wonderful short hike with some good challenges!  My jeans didn't make out very well (as you can see below), but Adam posed just to prove that he came out "clean!"

Nothing like a good Saturday adventure!!!  Because I was so dirty, we came home and changed clothes.  We then went to Murfreesboro for dinner and a tad of shopping.  Overall, it was a perfect day together!!!

Merry Christmas (a little late) and Happy New Year!

Last night, we got home from a wonderful week with family.  Since Grandaddy passed away this year, we did not have our traditional Christmas obligations.  As sad as it was to be "deviating" from our usual Christmas routine, it was nice to have something to look forward to.  This year, we decided to spend Christmas on the beach!  We booked a 3 bedroom condo on Cinnamon Beach in Palm Coast, Florida.  Adam, Mom, Dad, Leslee, Joey, Job, Adeline, Trey, and I all checked in on Friday night and enjoyed a week full of playing, eating great food, a few drinks, and wonderful times together!  The beach was beautiful and our condo had beautiful views of the sunset (facing the lake) every evening.

The week also afforded Adam and I the opportunity to visit some of our closest friends and some new friends, who happen to live in Jacksonville.  We spent 2 days visiting with everyone in Jacksonville and loved every minute of these times together!  Though we enjoy Tennessee, most of our friends are still in Jacksonville (except for a few)...so the visits were wonderfully refreshing for us!  We also visited Grandmother in Moultrie on the way home, and we visited Grandaddy's grave site.  Obviously, it was sad...but well worth the "detour."

We are now glad to be home.  Adam will stay up tonight, eat pickled herring, and toast to a glass of sparkling wine.  For me, I'll be barely awake, will eat the tiniest bite of herring possible to still "count," and avoid the alcohol because I'm on call!  (Maybe a sip at most...)  Tomorrow, we'll eat greens and black-eyed peas (for money and good luck) with Mom and Dad.

For me, New Years is not anything special.  This is probably because I've been on call for 7 of the last 9 of them!  Guess that takes away the "celebrating!"  I guess for many though, New Years symbolizes fresh starts and hope.  I don't have much in the way of resolutions, as this year has taught me that most of what I desire can't be given or earned.  Frankly, this year has taught me two things...one is that really, there are many things that none of us can control in life.  The second lesson that 2011 has taught me is that sometimes, we really can only handle one day at a time and have to often get by on a day-to-day basis.  I've certainly had these reality checks this year! 

2011 has been full of losses for us.  Grandaddy's death was by far the greatest loss for our entire family.  Our infertility and realizing that a "natural" pregnancy was impossible for us has been the second loss.  Between the two, it's been hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  2012 is predicted by many (including Adam) to be a "better" year.  While it's hard for me to believe it, I sure hope the "many" are right!  For me 2012 is another year...just another calendar date to get used to writing.  I'd love for it to be the year we have our first child...but time will tell on this matter.

For those who love New Years, Happy New Year!  For those of us, like me, who just see a change in numbers tomorrow, best wishes that 2012 surprises us with its good fortunes!  God bless you all in 2012!

I'd Give Us a "D!"

Jenny Wren...this is for you!

Most of you know me...and you know that I NEVER fail!  Until this year, I have rarely failed anything (maybe one test here and there...but NOT a normal occurrence).  2011 has totally changed that!  This year, I've failed several things...though none were within my control.  If compliance guarenteed an "A," I would have made all "A+'s!"

Today, we went to Nashville for our last appointment of the year.  As the ultrasound tech measured our lining, I noticed that the numbers were NOT 7mm.  She sincerely made every possible effort to find a 7mm lining, but it simply wasn't there. The best thickness she could find was 6.6mm (goal was 8mm). Obviously, I was REALLY worried and bordering on upset...though knew that until the blood work returned that there would be no "plan."  Anita decided that since we were not sure which way things were going to go, she would just send me home with the Progesterone in Olive Oil bottle...rather than just giving me the injection. I could tell that she was a bit worried as well, though she was definitely trying to find a way for us to still be ready in February! (I could see her "calculating" dates in her head...)  As usual, she promised to call me as soon as she talked to Dr. V...who couldn't make a decision without the results of the labs.

At 4:12pm, Anita called me.  She was quite bubbly and told me that both of us were worried about nothing!  Though he didn't communicate it with the two of us (or anyone else), he never planned to get our lining to 8mm.  Because of my clotting issues, being obese, and the fact that this was a trial run, he intentionally kept the estrogen doses and levels low.  His goal was to see endometrial growth and elevating blood estradiol levels...not full maturation.  He was actually pleased with the cycle and feels very confident that we will easily hit 8-9mm on the "real" cycle!  So, after a nail-biting day...we are relieved!

Overall, I'd say we "Passed" the mock cycle...but with a "D" grade.  At this point, I'll take it!

Tonight is officially my last "stick" of the year!!!  Injecting olive oil into my hip weirds me out a little (and causes a nice pink goose-egg), but I am VERY happy that we are done!  February, here we come!!!

My Last Days as a 2011 Human Pin Cushion!!!

Wish he was smiling!

Since Wednesday is my last day to go to Nashville (hopefully until 2012), I figured I'd begin to "celebrate" the fact that I'm about to have a break from injections and blood draws!  From this moment, I am hoping I'm down to just 4 more "sticks!" (1 blood draw, 2 Delestrogen injections, and 1 Progesterone injection)  Assuming things look good, I believe that I'll be done until 2012!
(Well...I still need a flu shot, but I'm not counting it!)
One day last week (while reading a whiney post on Facebook about pregnancy), I decided to total up all of the "sticks" that I've had this year.  Overall, here's the (minimum) breakdown:
49 Lupron
44 Lovenox
18 Repronex (often at maximum doses of 6 amps)
2 HCGs
26 Progesterone In Oil (sometimes with Delestrogen)
15 Delestrogen (not counting PIO)
3 Demerol/Phenergan Combos
1 Toradol
35 Blood Draws (Countless tubes)

TOTAL:  193 (+19 "Sticks" Under Anesthesia for Egg Retrieval)


Needless to say, I've paid a HUGE price in hopes of getting pregnant at some point!  I can't even count the number of ultrasounds and other procedures I've had this year, but trust me...more than most women have throughout all of their reproductive years! 
For many of my infertile friends, these numbers are nothing!  Several of you have endured MANY more!  For my fertile friends, this is just another example of how truly blessed you are!  To be honest, we still have many more to go before we get pregnant...and will have 2-3 per day during our entire pregnancy when/if it happens!  Perhaps our greatest prize is the fact that we also get weekly ultrasoundsfor the first 14 or so weeks of pregnancy (one advantage, I guess)!
Today, our Nashville visit went well.  Our bloodwork looked really good and my endometrial lining is 7.1mm with some "layering." By Wednesday, we need it to be 8mm (though 9mm would be better) and with a true triple layer.  In theory, this should be easily accomplished.  IF we "pass" (though keep our history of failure in mind), we are officially cleared to cycle in February and could even be pregnant by March.  I can't tell you how wonderful this would be!
Have a great week everyone! (And for those who asked...I deleted the "gross" pictures from my phone...Maybe next time...)

Tis the Season...

At the Helen, GA Gazebo after breakfast at Hoffer's Bakery!



Anna Ruby Falls this morning!

This weekend, Mom, Dad, Adam and I went to see the Colquitt County Packers play in the Georgia High School State Quarter-Finals.  While the Packers lost, we still had a great trip down and enjoyed the game.  After the game ended, we headed up the road for a weekend in Helen, GA.

Helen is a little German-themed alpine village with nice little shops, a beautiful river, and relatively good food.  We attended the Helen Christmas parade and festival, which was quaint...but still nice.  We enjoyed a nice German dinner at the Troll Tavern and watched the Georgia Bulldogs play LSU...  Let's just say that UGA did NOT play well the second half and the game got a bit long!  All 4 of us finished the game.  Mom and Dad headed back to our hotel for bed.  Adam and I went back to our room and watched the Hangover...which always seems to be on TV when we are travelling (and yes, we always watch it)!

Now...for the update on life in general.  We are two appointments away from completing our mock cycle.  I have been on estrogen injections for a bit over a week now...in the hip (or as most people say, butt).  We had a bit of excitement last week when Adam hit an artery and made a BIG mess in our kitchen!  Needless to say, he freaked out and I just held some pressure until things calmed down.  In the end, we survived and all was well!  (Our nurse LOVED the photos of the "event!")  As for the cycle itself, things are going very well.  My body has responded very nicely to the drugs and the labs/ultrasounds are all looking great! 

Now...for  Public Service Announcement:

Estrogen injections and Alcohol do NOT mix!!!

 I have now "tested" this theory twice...once with 2 glasses of sangria and this weekend with 2 German beers.  I have concluded that the type of alcohol doesn't matter...it's all bad!  I got terribly nauseated both times and had bad headaches.  Needless to say, I think my drinking days (even small amounts) are coming to a screeching halt!  I'm fine today, but last night was not my idea of fun.  Lesson learned!

Adam and I at the falls!

Mom and Dad at the Gazebo!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

For those who have followed the blog for several years, you know that I’ve traditionally written a Thanksgiving post. In some ways, it is a tribute to the year and in others…a tribute to those who mean the most to me. 2011 has been a tough year for the Sawinski household. Our year began with an infertility diagnosis and was quickly followed by Granddaddy’s wreck and later passing. I still miss my Granddaddy tremendously and not a day passes that I don’t think of him (and usually tear up). Obviously, there is no baby in our home this year…but there is hope for next year!

After some reflection, here are the things (and people) I am most thankful for:

1. My faith in God. The fact that I have somehow managed to maintain my faith this year and have learned to truly surrender my goals to meet his, is an accomplishment for me. Since we made the decision to change our plan/protocol for having a baby, God has granted us a peace that we haven’t felt since June 2010. For that, I am thankful!

2. My husband. Infertility destroys thousands of marriages each year and places unimaginable challenges on a couple. Not only have Adam and I survived, but we are conquering this process together. We have learned to communicate our feelings openly, to mourn our losses with each other, to lean on each other when we both feel guilty for the insufficiencies of our bodies, and most of all…to love each other so deeply that if we never have a child, we will still be super blessed that God brought us together! Adam is my soul mate…and for that, I am thankful!

3. My family. Losing Granddaddy this year was the biggest loss I have ever faced. His death was the devastating to everyone in my family, and we are still grieving the loss of such an amazing Dad, Granddaddy, husband, professional, and friend. In Granddaddy’s loss though, I have learned that our family REALLY loves each other. Mom, Dad, Leslee, and Trey are my life outside of Adam. They support me in my marriage, my medical practice, my personal life (including our infertility decisions), and my faith. For my family, I am thankful!

4. My friends. At many times this year, I have felt so isolated from my friends. Many have gotten pregnant and had babies, all while Adam and I are still in the “trying stages.” Many have had their children with minimal or no effort, so they simply have not been able to identify with our problems. Sometimes, I’m sure our friends avoided us just because they didn’t know what to say…which I have finally come to understand. However, there is a small group of people who have sent texts, facebook/blog messages, forum posts (esp. my DE II Ladies), telephone calls, and prayers. YOU are the friends who have sustained us in this process! And for my one best friend who made EVERY dinner during my bed rest, gave me many injections when Adam needed help or was in class, came to my house at midnight the night Granddaddy died to help me pack and to take Fonzie, laid on my bed with me rotating ice packs while I sobbed with the massive hip pain from the injection reaction, and sat by me on the couch for hours after the two IVF cycles failed and Adam and I were grieving in such different ways. I’ve never needed a special friend like I have this year, and you have truly been a gift from God. For my best friend and all of my friends, I am truly thankful!

5. For our pets. Adam and I lost Lilly (my iguana) this year, and Mom and Dad lost Maggie (their poodle). Both were over 15 years old! Fonzie is 13 years old this year, but he continues to be my bed rest buddy and keeps me warm at night. Our pets have brought so much joy to our lives, and for that…I am truly thankful!

6. My home and my country. While our government is in a state of disarray, I am still thankful to be an American and to live in a wonderful home in a safe community. For both, I am thankful!

7. Our infertility. Thanks to our infertility, I am a better wife, patient, and physician. I’ve learned to pray more, trust more, lean on Adam more, and to become more sensitive to the issues that others face. There are so many things I’ve learned NOT to say as a result of this process…not to mention those things you shouldn’t tell your doc or his office manager (haha)! In the end, this challenge has made me REALLY value my God, my marriage, and my life. It has also made me realize how very badly I want to be a mother and it has challenged me to endure more emotionally and physically that I ever have before…and that I thought I ever could! For our infertility (despite its hardships), I am thankful!

I sincerely try to make Thanksgiving a day of reflection on all of the things I am grateful for. I live a blessed life with so much to look forward to in the future.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone, God Bless You!

PS We were cleared to start our mock cycle on Friday! I am way too excited about getting to take shots again, but this is a step in a positive direction (for a change)!