After quite a bit of thought, I've decided to suspend the blog for awhile. I'm not sure whether my decision will last a day or forever, but for now it seems to be for the best. Over the past 4 months (particularly the past 3 weeks), I have discovered what infertility REALLY means and feels like. For anyone who has been through it, God Bless You. (And I hope and pray that I never said anything insensitive to you!)
I have found this experience to be one of the loneliest times in my life. Adam has been my biggest supporter and best friend through the process (which isn't exactly a shocker), but unfortunately there haven't been too many others. Frankly, my best friend (who I really thought would be super-supportive during this time) seems to have withdrawn from me...which is pretty discouraging.
Not once in the past month has anyone asked how I felt in this process or how we were doing. Noone (outside of family) has called; or if they have called, our "fertility" issues were never mentioned. I suppose it's uncomfortable for folks and frankly something that most of my extended family, friends, and collegues can't really understand. Nor does anyone really want to hear about it...
Here are some things said by my patients, collegues, and random others that we don't want to hear....
1. Adopt a child and then you'll get pregnant.
2. Go on a good vacation and it'll happen... (Nope...did 9 days at Disney and 9 days in the Caribbean...didn't work!)
3. Relax and it'll happen. (Tried that too...doesn't fix our problem.)
4. I get pregnant just by looking at my husband/sharing soap/etc.
5. Complaints about your pregnancy or children...
We know our friends love us, but in this case it's from a distance. We start our shots on Sunday, assuming plans don't change. Unfortunately, because of cycle issues...they may. For those who do pray, please pray for us. For those who don't, please send up well wishes, positive vibes, or whatever it is that you do.
I'm so thankful for Adam and our famililes and would kill for friends who care. Unfortunately, I think we are on our own with this from here forward. I'll post again if it seems appropriate, otherwise consider the blog dead...again. Also, please don't comment or message me through Facebook as I'm not planning to spend any time there either over the next several weeks... Hearing pregnant people whine, mothers complain about their children, and others post about how special motherhood is just makes people like me want to vomit. I guess social media isn't always for the best... Til next time, if ever....
Cinda
6 comments:
You know, I felt the same way after I lost my first pregnancy. I felt so alone. So many people said things they thought were helpful, but really they hurt, some more deeply than others. After I had time to process everything, I came to realize that many of the comments I thought were hateful were said in the best of ways, trying to be "positive". I see that now, though I didn't see that then. I imagine you'll feel the same way down the road. You aren't the only one to walk this road, and you certainly aren't the only one yearning to be a mother, just try to remember that. It took us three years from our start to get Job. Three hard years. There are a lot of "clubs" we find ourselves in that we don't want to be in.... but there are also a lot of clubs God places us in at the right times. Just remember that many people don't know what to say.... so they say nothing, or the wrong thing.... One of my friends at school said this to me one day, and it has really stuck with me, and I remembere it at all the right times, "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."
I certainly love you, and even if you don't think I haven't said the right thing, or not enough things, doesn't mean I haven't prayed for you and Adam and my futre nieces and nephews nightly, just as I pray for my on children. You might be surprised one day to find out how many others have been doing the same thing. And I for one believe in the power of prayer.
And more people would comment on your blog if you would post on facebook every time you update it.... I would.
Leslee
Thanks, but I was never implying you! I'm aware of some of what you went through, though know I was "absent" too much as well.
One person in particular has just worn me down emotionally...on Facebook. (Not Nana...we are fine now.) We get our compounded Lupron Thursday and are set for Sunday to start (after about 5 phone calls today)!
Love you Leslee,this wasn't aimed at you!
Loucinda,
We understand how you feel. Remember Alex is 10 years older than Shaylee. We did not think we would ever have another one. She was a miracle. I hope all your struggles and worries will eventually go away and you all have beautiful kids and I know you two will make great parents. I know we are miles away but always remember you can call myself or Ranee whenever you want. Hopefully we will be able to come down and see you all soon. We love you guys. Jim.
Cinda,
I'm sorry that your are feeling this way. I can say that I understand. I have only told a few people who I felt would truly care and understand about the struggles we've faced in this area. Everyone appears to be too busy with their own lives to care about my concerns. I have also learned to avoid much of Facebook and have even blocked comments made by friends because I just can't take it anymore! I've thought of you and Adam many times and will continue to pray for your success on this journey.
Thanks Jim and "A". We have just gotten back from a nice weekend away and are just very anxious to get the process rolling. The first 2 (and MANY) shots are in and I survived giving them to myself (which was actually a HUGE accomlishment as I HATE doing anything painful to myself). We appreciate your comments, prayers, and thoughts!
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