Tis the Season...

At the Helen, GA Gazebo after breakfast at Hoffer's Bakery!



Anna Ruby Falls this morning!

This weekend, Mom, Dad, Adam and I went to see the Colquitt County Packers play in the Georgia High School State Quarter-Finals.  While the Packers lost, we still had a great trip down and enjoyed the game.  After the game ended, we headed up the road for a weekend in Helen, GA.

Helen is a little German-themed alpine village with nice little shops, a beautiful river, and relatively good food.  We attended the Helen Christmas parade and festival, which was quaint...but still nice.  We enjoyed a nice German dinner at the Troll Tavern and watched the Georgia Bulldogs play LSU...  Let's just say that UGA did NOT play well the second half and the game got a bit long!  All 4 of us finished the game.  Mom and Dad headed back to our hotel for bed.  Adam and I went back to our room and watched the Hangover...which always seems to be on TV when we are travelling (and yes, we always watch it)!

Now...for the update on life in general.  We are two appointments away from completing our mock cycle.  I have been on estrogen injections for a bit over a week now...in the hip (or as most people say, butt).  We had a bit of excitement last week when Adam hit an artery and made a BIG mess in our kitchen!  Needless to say, he freaked out and I just held some pressure until things calmed down.  In the end, we survived and all was well!  (Our nurse LOVED the photos of the "event!")  As for the cycle itself, things are going very well.  My body has responded very nicely to the drugs and the labs/ultrasounds are all looking great! 

Now...for  Public Service Announcement:

Estrogen injections and Alcohol do NOT mix!!!

 I have now "tested" this theory twice...once with 2 glasses of sangria and this weekend with 2 German beers.  I have concluded that the type of alcohol doesn't matter...it's all bad!  I got terribly nauseated both times and had bad headaches.  Needless to say, I think my drinking days (even small amounts) are coming to a screeching halt!  I'm fine today, but last night was not my idea of fun.  Lesson learned!

Adam and I at the falls!

Mom and Dad at the Gazebo!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

For those who have followed the blog for several years, you know that I’ve traditionally written a Thanksgiving post. In some ways, it is a tribute to the year and in others…a tribute to those who mean the most to me. 2011 has been a tough year for the Sawinski household. Our year began with an infertility diagnosis and was quickly followed by Granddaddy’s wreck and later passing. I still miss my Granddaddy tremendously and not a day passes that I don’t think of him (and usually tear up). Obviously, there is no baby in our home this year…but there is hope for next year!

After some reflection, here are the things (and people) I am most thankful for:

1. My faith in God. The fact that I have somehow managed to maintain my faith this year and have learned to truly surrender my goals to meet his, is an accomplishment for me. Since we made the decision to change our plan/protocol for having a baby, God has granted us a peace that we haven’t felt since June 2010. For that, I am thankful!

2. My husband. Infertility destroys thousands of marriages each year and places unimaginable challenges on a couple. Not only have Adam and I survived, but we are conquering this process together. We have learned to communicate our feelings openly, to mourn our losses with each other, to lean on each other when we both feel guilty for the insufficiencies of our bodies, and most of all…to love each other so deeply that if we never have a child, we will still be super blessed that God brought us together! Adam is my soul mate…and for that, I am thankful!

3. My family. Losing Granddaddy this year was the biggest loss I have ever faced. His death was the devastating to everyone in my family, and we are still grieving the loss of such an amazing Dad, Granddaddy, husband, professional, and friend. In Granddaddy’s loss though, I have learned that our family REALLY loves each other. Mom, Dad, Leslee, and Trey are my life outside of Adam. They support me in my marriage, my medical practice, my personal life (including our infertility decisions), and my faith. For my family, I am thankful!

4. My friends. At many times this year, I have felt so isolated from my friends. Many have gotten pregnant and had babies, all while Adam and I are still in the “trying stages.” Many have had their children with minimal or no effort, so they simply have not been able to identify with our problems. Sometimes, I’m sure our friends avoided us just because they didn’t know what to say…which I have finally come to understand. However, there is a small group of people who have sent texts, facebook/blog messages, forum posts (esp. my DE II Ladies), telephone calls, and prayers. YOU are the friends who have sustained us in this process! And for my one best friend who made EVERY dinner during my bed rest, gave me many injections when Adam needed help or was in class, came to my house at midnight the night Granddaddy died to help me pack and to take Fonzie, laid on my bed with me rotating ice packs while I sobbed with the massive hip pain from the injection reaction, and sat by me on the couch for hours after the two IVF cycles failed and Adam and I were grieving in such different ways. I’ve never needed a special friend like I have this year, and you have truly been a gift from God. For my best friend and all of my friends, I am truly thankful!

5. For our pets. Adam and I lost Lilly (my iguana) this year, and Mom and Dad lost Maggie (their poodle). Both were over 15 years old! Fonzie is 13 years old this year, but he continues to be my bed rest buddy and keeps me warm at night. Our pets have brought so much joy to our lives, and for that…I am truly thankful!

6. My home and my country. While our government is in a state of disarray, I am still thankful to be an American and to live in a wonderful home in a safe community. For both, I am thankful!

7. Our infertility. Thanks to our infertility, I am a better wife, patient, and physician. I’ve learned to pray more, trust more, lean on Adam more, and to become more sensitive to the issues that others face. There are so many things I’ve learned NOT to say as a result of this process…not to mention those things you shouldn’t tell your doc or his office manager (haha)! In the end, this challenge has made me REALLY value my God, my marriage, and my life. It has also made me realize how very badly I want to be a mother and it has challenged me to endure more emotionally and physically that I ever have before…and that I thought I ever could! For our infertility (despite its hardships), I am thankful!

I sincerely try to make Thanksgiving a day of reflection on all of the things I am grateful for. I live a blessed life with so much to look forward to in the future.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone, God Bless You!

PS We were cleared to start our mock cycle on Friday! I am way too excited about getting to take shots again, but this is a step in a positive direction (for a change)!

Camping, New Toys, and a Lifestyle Change

Last weekend, Adam and I had planned to make our second annual trip to Cloudland Canyon to camp.  Just as we were finishing loading the car, I had the thought that maybe I should call and verify that there were indeed sites left.  I'm glad I did, because there were none for Saturday night!  So, we quickly got online and called Mammoth Cave National Park.  I had been interested in camping there for awhile, so it made sense to call.  The nice lady on the phone told us that there would be plenty of availability and to head on up!  So, we drove the 2 hour and 15 minute beautiful drive to the park.  We enjoyed the fall colors and nice conversation on the drive.  Once we got to the park, we chose a camping site (after 3 trips around the loop) and had our camp set up within an hour.  Because we were concerned about cave tours selling out on a Saturday, we drove up to the Visitors Center.  We found out that a tour was leaving in 10 minutes that was not always offered...the Stargazer Lantern Tour. It mimics the historical tours of the 1800s and uses only lantern light through the cavern.  We decided to go on this tour and had a great time!  We got back to the campground around 8:30pm and cooked dinner and dessert.  On Saturday, we relaxed around the campsite, read, talked, and decided what we wanted to do.  We ultimately decided to take another tour, the Frozen Niagra Tour that afternoon.  Once we finished this tour, we had dinner out and returned to the campsite for some s'mores and chocolate/butterscotch/marshmallow-stuffed campfire bannanas.  On Sunday morning, we got up and broke camp.  We had a nice breakfast at Cracker Barrell and took our time coming home.

Overall, it was a beautiful weekend.  Adam and I really enjoyed being together without offices, computers, TVs, and most of all...injections!  Because my knees killed me on the tour stairs, I realized it was time to get healthy and shed some weight.  So, with that realization....I have started eating healthy and exercising!  So far, I've lost 4 pounds in 5 days...so it seems to be working! 

Our new toy is an XBOX Kinect!  We got it last night and danced ourselves to death!  I'm really glad we have such a wonderuful marriage and that we can enjoy ourselves in activities like this!  (Seeing Adam dancing in his underwear is enertaining enough!)  I forsee a "sports" game in our future...like maybe even today!

As for our infertility future, we do have plans now that have been officially "set."  Within the next 2 weeks, I'll hopefully start our trial-run in preparation for a costly and exciting cycle in late January/early February.  Assuming my bloodwork and ultrasound look good, we'll be back on injections daily for about 2 weeks.  Once things look "good," we'll come off of them and will basically be placed back on birth control pills to "sync" my cycle.  If nothing changes (which with our luck...it could), then we are looking at an embryo transfer in February.  As bad as bedrest was back in July, I can't wait to do it again...as it means that there's a chance that we could become pregnant!  So, as has been the case for well over a year now, we wait. 

Another Road Block...

This is the story of our lives! After lots of thought, Adam and I have decided to do more infertility treatments...and we are NOT travelling across the country to do them! Long-story-short...our odds of success out of town really were not likely to be that different. Knowing this (via second opinions), I just couldn't see spending many thousands of dollars to sit in a hotel room for 8-12 days per attempt getting shots and not being able to "do" anything except for think about what I was losing in practice revenue here in Shelbyville.

We are planning to change to a VERY different protocol next year, which requires a "trial run" of sorts. Since we already knew this was likely in our future, we were excited to start the trial today...even knowing that it involved daily hip injections of estrogen in castor oil! So, Adam and I made our super early pilgrimage to Nashville this morning for bloodwork, an ultrasound, and a talk with our doc. We had a couple of small cysts still hanging out on the left ovary (from the IVF/IUI cycle), but everything else looked good. Our doc explained his opinion of our last cycle and gave me a thorough explanation of why he made his decisions...somewhat defensively. (He knew I wasn't very happy with the last round...thanks to the office manager and nurse!) I was very satisfied with his explanations and told him that had this been explained to me 2 weeks ago...lots of issues could have been avoided! But, we left on good terms and great spirits...and he was more relaxed as well! Heck...if I hated him or really didn't trust him...I would NOT have been sitting in his office this morning!

I went to the office and worked most of the day. Around 3, the boulder blocked the road! Anita called to inform us that my estrogen level was 353 (which was down from the 1353 it was last Thursday). Unfortunately, it had to be less than 60 for us to start the trial-run. And just to refresh your memory...this is the same stupid number that was too low and caused us to not get to do our IVF cycle this month. So...it's like Goldilocks and the Three Bears...too low...too high...etc. The plan now is to start birth control pills (don't EVEN get me started on the irony of this) and complete a month of them. After that, we can have another set of bloodwork and another ultrasound in hopes of starting the trial again during the week of Thanksgiving.

So...there's your update! I'm not crushed. I'm actually very calm and can't help but find some humor in this! Heck...we can fail now before even starting! Plus, since the "real" cycle can't happen until next year anyway...we have a little time!

BTW If we ever get a baby (or more)...YES...I probably will be a neurotic nut! After this, how could I not be???

Another Failure...

Kind of wish this is how it really worked sometimes!
I guess there's not much to say other than that we attempted another IVF cycle and it "officially" failed today. Technically, we never even made it to the egg retrieval this round and were more-or-less forced to "settle" for an IUI (intrauterine insemination). It was that or nothing... In the end...it was nothing either way.
This cycle was physically and emotionally much harder for me. It started off so nicely, but when it went south...it REALLY went south! The good news is that I have been so upset since October 4 (the day the cycle was cancelled) that the "official" failure today was nothing more than a formality.
If there's anything I learned from this cycle, it's that I CAN handle quite a bit more than I thought I could! I've also learned that we have exhausted the capabilities of our region and IF we are truly serious about having genetic children, then we are going to have to travel (and I'm talking more than to Nashville)! We are looking into two world-famous clinics in the western US and have one phone consultation scheduled for next Friday. If we have a good feeling, we will be travelling sometime likely early next year. If not, we'll look into other options.
We've had lots of support this round from our families and close friends, and for that...I am grateful. I'm not sure what our future holds...but I'm just praying there's a baby in it somewhere. Otherwise, I'll ultimately just have to accept the fact that it's not meant for us and be thrilled to have an amazing husband and loving family to share my life with!

A Tiny Ray of Hope...

Today has been full of ups and downs. I woke up after a restless night at 5 am to get ready to head back to Nashville with Adam. After some tears in the shower and some on the road up, we made it to Nashville around 7:30am. Adam had to produce his specimen and then we were faced with about 80 minutes to kill. Because today was retrieval day, there were several women with their Moms and friends (likely egg donors) and several couples. It was kind of hard to watch them come and go, knowing that we were supposed to be in that group. Once Adam finished, we went over to Starbucks for breakfast. We "people-watched" for a bit, then it was back to the office by 9:20am for our 9:30 am time. I knew the retrievals were still going, based on waiting room activity...so I could tell that we would be waiting this time. (The one time we've ever waited more than 15 minutes was this one...which stunk.)

At about 10:15am, they finally took us back. After some vitals and consents, I was undressed and ready to go. Dr. V brought in the sperm analysis report and showed it to Adam. We were SHOCKED! The last spun sperm (after the lifeless ones were removed) count for Adam was 760,000 (normal is 60-100 million). This time, Adam's spun count was 6.64 million!!! That's WAYYYY more than he has ever had! And, anything over 5 million gives IUI a chance of success! The procedure went quickly and easily. Dr. V offered for Adam to "do the honors," but Adam politely refused. When I asked him why later, he said, "If it fails, I don't want to feel like I was the one who caused it." I certainly wouldn't have felt that way, but I could see his point. Once the procedure was done, I sat up thinking it was time to dress and head out. I was immediately guided back down by Dr. V and told I had to lay flat for 20 minutes. It was boring, to say the least! During the wait, we were given our next set of instructions for meds (more shots...yeah)and I responded to some texts. After the 20 minute timer went off, I dressed and we headed to the car to head home. Adam insisted that I lay back with my feet up, so as to enable his "swimmers" to get to their destination! He was over-the-moon about his "high" numbers...to the point where I'm pretty sure there will soon be a framed copy placed somewhere within his "man-cave/office!"

I know better than to celebrate, but I at least don't feel like today was a total waste of time, gas, and especially my mental sanity. While our prayers never had anything to do with sperm counts and real possibilities, God knew what we really needed. And to those of you who have prayed for us.... THANK YOU! Your prayers were answered for us today! And really, today is all that matters right now.

We are truly blessed with wonderful families and friends! Thank you all!

If It Wasn't For Bad Luck...

I guess the old saying, "If it wasn't for bad luck, we'd have no luck at all," holds true to us again... Everything in this cycle seemed perfect, until Monday. On Monday, our labs took a big dive. While we hoped it was a "pharmacological" response to a decrease in the meds, I KNEW it was more. On Tuesday, our (ok...MY fears) were validated. Despite a HUGE dose of stimulation medications, our numbers barely rose and our follicles didn't grow. So, we were basically told that the odds of success were slim with IVF and that our cycle was being cancelled. Because we did have a few decent follicles, they offered us IUI (intrauterine insemination) as a "salvage" procedure.

Tomorrow morning, we will head to Nashville for the IUI. The odds of success are slim to none, but basically...it's this or nothing. Since I had already planned to be off, I am going to take the day tomorrow to relax and give this the best shot possible (all 1% of it).
Once this fails, we are going to take a break until next year... I can't speak for Adam, but I NEED a break. For the next 2 weeks, we'll continue with 3 injections per day (2 Lovenox and 1 Progesterone/Estrogen combo)...which means more bruising for me. I figure it's like a torture sentence...but know that IF a miracle occured and we did get pregnant, we'd lose the pregnancy without it.

So...once again...with very heavy hearts, it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe not ever...guess we'll just see what the future holds.